Lovely Me

im sorry i-

don’t drink every weekend

don’t open my legs to every male, then complain when someone wants sex

don’t bully people

don’t answer my door to people threatening me and making fun of my bf and i

don’t run to cp the second someone DOESN’T do something wrong

don’t use twitter for drama

don’t talk with improper grammer like “we be on that”

don’t stay up until 330am screaming in my suite.

im sorry i dont get hated by most of the world but have followers because im a huge bitch. im sorry im not you. maybe then i could leave my fucking room, and feel safe. 

Somethings I just can’t take.

I can’t keep all this stress pent up. I have officially spent the whole day crying. I have lost all connection I once had with my family. Today was the longest I have talked to my mom all semester. It was for an hour, so I could help her for my brothers prom decoration advice. Other than that mostly I get a “goodnight I love you text” and that’s it. This semester I lost contact with my younger brother, who means the entire world to me. I love him so much. My dad and I were never super close, but I know we have also drifted apart. I couldn’t remember what day it was, I can’t do anything right lately, I’m just a big failure. I have so much work due tomorrow, and I am under so much stress lately I am never hungry. I live with bitches that are so dirty and loud all the time, I hate them all. They are always screaming and laughing louder than anyone I have ever met, and louder than necessary. My brother and mom both need to go to a doctor and get checked out because my brother can barely play drums anymore, and my mom can’t eat anything without getting nausea. I may have an irregular heart beat, and other things wrong with me, but I won’t tell her, or see a doctor until they do. I can’t think of losing either of them. A 15 year old boy I knew from back home died last week. Only 15!!! It hit me really hard. I don’t want to go home, because I feel like I have lost all connections, and I should just move far away. But then I will miss out even more. I can’t go home because I need to continue my schooling. I’m not strong enough for any of this. I see so many funerals in my near future, because my grand-mom and aunt have been in and out of hospitals, I barely get to speak to my boyfriend today because he decided to redo his computer while I was at dinner, so I got to speak to him for 5 minutes before he went to dinner, and he always goes to bed early. There’s no point in me even trying. I am so stressed, I know there is only 10 days left, I’m just so full of anger, and stress, and pain. I don’t know a healthy way of dealing with it all, and I can’t take it, because I get nothing accomplished when Im crying. I’m falling into pieces and I can’t understand why. And there’s no way for me to stop it. I need to though….ugh…

A step in the wrong direction

I’ve started my healing process. I am moving on in my life, and I am happy. But at the same time I wonder if what I am doing is right. the last thing on earth i want to do is lost my boyfriend of almost 6 months. he is literally the best thing to ever happen to me, i would be so lost without him. So I feel as  if every step I take lately is in the wrong direction. I have spoken to the man that caused me so much pain….It feels weird, but not necessarily wrong. i am scared as hell to tell my boyfriend because he hates all contact i have with this guy. i understand why… but i need to do this for me. if it’s a mistake i will know…but part of me wants to just pick up all the pieces and pretend it all never happened. but not be close with this guy, either, of course. a good friend of mine told me to follow my heart, which says step forward cautiously. but i literally broke down in tears today at the thought of telling my boyfriend i am having a conversation with this guy. it makes me so scared, thinking he will freak out and yell and get mad, when really he is supposed to be there to support me. so i am scared i am taking a step in the wrong direction if i feel this bad about it when it comes to my boyfriend. but at the same time i wasn’t going to tell him. he said before he preferred that. but i can’t live with this and not tell him. especially since he will probably find out bu default anyway. i just feel so scared and nervous, and theres no way in hell i could ever physically say this, because it would come out all wrong. its not like im treating this guy great, or even promising anything. im still telling him everything he has done to fuck up my life, and making him feel like shit, but im getting peace of mind at the same time. having questions answered, having him ask questions, it gives me peace of mind. i deserve that, of all things. i just needed to write this because as i said, there is no other way for me to tell him, and i desperately need him to know. i love him so much, and if this means losing him, ill suffer in silence, rather than lose him. there’s just somethings you can’t control, gut feelings you need to follow, and this was one of them for me…..so why does it feel so wrong?